i feel so defeated

i'm thankful for my commutes to and from school. they give me a chance to reflect on my day, or as of late, my life. i'm sitting here, procrastinating studying, alone and realizing that silence is never silent. i wish that for one second i could hush the thoughts constantly streaming through my head. i can't be truly happy, because i'm in this perpetual state of worry. i'm worried now because i upset my mom with telling her she got the wrong address for my apartment, thus, her birthday surprises will not arrive on time. i'm okay with it, she's not. i kind of miss my breakfast in bed every birthday with a candle awkwardly shoved in my scrambled eggs. i miss the homemade birthday cakes and curly ribbon on top of my unicorn papered package. i want those days back. i'd give anything to be back there. i don't want adulthood, it doesn't suite me so well.

i fear that my closest friendships are dwindling and i don't know how to salvage them. don't think i havent been seeking God in the situation. i have. it's leading me into a faith crisis.

mainly, i just want to feel whole again. i feel broken and empty and completely defeated.