would you want me when i'm not myself?

you think by now i'd know silence. i lie flat on the carpet that so badly needs vacuuming and the song playing fades out.i hear what i think are footsteps outside
but is only the rain settling into the last of the dead leaves in the courtyard. suddenly, without warning, i feel that familiar twinge that i thought i finally got rid of. it's that dull aching within me that reminds me i have broken friendships and fallen into a pit of self-loathing. the few tears i have remaining in me well up and drop from the edges of my eyes into my hair that i tried so hard to make "look natural", but the truth is, i'm not sure what's natural anymore. i'm not sure how to laugh, talk, or even cry naturally. it's all these mechanical motions that i seem to have little control over. i saw you this morning and i tried to act as if nothing had happened to our friendship, but the truth is, i'm scared of you now. is that normal? it's unseasonably warm and as i walked to my car from the grocery store after buying supplies for a dinner i would soon burn and ruin, i watched the black birds above me, they were acting odd. perhaps they were perplexed by the warm front in late november. that charred smell of my number 4 failed cooking attempt still wafts through my bedroom every so often. but what do i have left but to laugh? i will keep going because to not would be defeat and i refuse to accept that.