My weakness is I can't do much...

5,000 people die with Lupus each year.

Here's what's on my mind. You live your life for a multitude of reasons. You can live to love, instigate revolutions, learn every indigenous language there is. You live for art, laughter, culture, mountain biking. You live for sailing, writing a novel, starting a family. You can live for God, fashion, travel, theater. You can live for whatever you choose to live for... but in the end.. you just become a statistic. You can't escape it.

So where's this all coming from? You know that huge wind of change I've been speaking of? How I could feel it lingering but couldn't yet tell what it was? Well, it's on the horizon now. My dad has been diagnosed with Lupus. Among the many illnesses he's already had. Mom called today and I think I had the first real adult conversation of my life with her. It is only today that I have realized how much my parents have done for me and my sister. They have sacraficed an infinite amount, and don't even consider it sacrafice. When I voiced this to mom, she said "When you have children, you just do these things without a second thought." I replied, "Mom, Suzanne and I are grown now. I'm almost out of school. She has a family. It's time you and Daddy do something for yourselves." I am only now realizing why it is that I hate my home so much and where those demons come from. Mom and Dad are completely miserable there, but they've both given up so much. Mom's there to take care of Mawmaw, Dad's there to support Mom. They hate it and it's slowly killing them. Where there really want to be is Topsail Island, NC. I told Mom that we don't know how long Daddy has left to live, but why not at least try to be in a happier place in life for the time being. She concluded, as well as I, that it needs to happen and that they're working on it.

For my entire life, my dad has been ill. I can't remember a time when he wasn't sick. He doesn't have very many "good days" as he puts it. I can't imagine being diagnosed with something that you know will one day get the best of you. How can you even stay optimistic? After Daddy found out, he called me, and said, "at least they know what they're dealing with now." It frustrates me that for TWO years the Veteran's hospital has let this go. They would look at it and not even try to figure out what he had. How can doctors treat people who served our country like this? They put everything on the line. It's so hard being a military family, you move around every three years. The mothers of the families can't have careers. The kids have to change schools every time they turn around. I realize that my dad never went to war, but for 20 years, he worked harder than most people I know. I remember nights when we'd take him dinner because he had night guard or recruiting duty, and he NEVER complained about not being able to sit down and eat a meal with his family.

I guess what I'm saying is... we don't even come close to realizing HOW precious and fragile life is until something like this is right in front of our faces. It's jarring, but it makes you appreciate tiny things even more. So if I have to be a statistic, I'd like to be part of positive one. I'd like to be part of a statistic that dies with a healthy heart, laugh lines, and rooms full of books.